It's 2:58 pm on a Sunday and I'm sitting in Starbucks listening to a John Coltrane jazz piece on Spotify along with members of my staff, attempting to study for finals.
Amina is focused: headphones in ear, study guide pulled up, highlighters in reach.
The women in Starbucks chatter about the weather as they replace the trash bags and refill the sugar.
There are a few other college students with their MacBooks out and coffee filled to the brim in red stained cups.
There's a man waiting for his Caramel Latte - Venti.
And then there's me - writing this blog knowing I have a final exam Tuesday night and three finals on Wednesday. But for some reason, my focus can't go to my work. I'm wondering why I don't listen to Jazz more often. Also, I live in New Haven, why don't I go to the orchestra? I should probably make some friends at Yale or something, because I don't understand why I don't live my life how I want to. I usually have an excuse for my inability to have a social life, between school and work there's just no time.
But in actuality, I don't want to do what everyone else is doing, but there's barely anybody I know interested in doing what I like to do. So I've gone through this entire semester, alone for the most part, devoting all of my time and energy to school, work and me - my interests, my hobbies, my passions. I like to paint, and I've been to Yale's art gallery almost 100 times, but I want to do more, see more, be more - but how? Don't you need friends to do that?
I'm sitting in Starbucks trying to study for an exam I don't even care about because I've devoted too much time to my academics throughout the semester and not enough time to me because I always thought I needed a posse of art majors to accompany me on my adventures.
Truth is, I don't. Because even when I'm surrounded by people, I'd rather be alone. I'd rather create my own itinerary and go my own way, doing what I want to do, before doing what the group does; so why do I inhibit myself from doing what I want anyway?
I don't know. It's weird, and I intend to stop. I'm going to travel alone, visit art galleries alone, go to concerts alone - and I will enjoy it. Solitude is something I've grown quite fond of and I never even noticed until I'm in the presence of others and decide that I'd rather be by myself.
producer / writer / artist