Have you listened to Logic's new album Everybody? If not, you should stop reading this post and go listen to it.
There's a track on the album called 'Anziety' which begins with a melodic voice reassuring herself that everything is good in her life. She reaffirms this mantra that everything is 'so good' and proceeds to reclaim her life and indicate that right now that she is happy - until Logic drops a dark beat where he's rapping about how he'll get up in your mind and make you feel like dying.
For me, Logic just musically portrayed how everything can be going fine in your life and then Anxiety can just creep in and "make you feel like dying right now".
Logic proceeds to narrate an anecdote about an anxiety attack that he had which put him in the hospital. In his narrative Logic explores his stream of consciousness during the time; trying to reason with how exactly Anxiety, a mental construct, can have physical effects on the body. His doctor summed it up to 'derealization', which is "the sense of being out of ones body". That phase where nothing feels real, only this sense of panic, disorientation and ultimately fear. Like, what the hell is going on?
Logic proceeds to say this one line that resonates with me every time: "I'm so in control of my mind and my body that I'm so consciously forcing myself into a state of self-bondage entangled by the ropes of my own mind. I am unhappy. Not with life, but with this feeling."
As a person who has anxiety, his song did the impossible for me. I reflected on a 3am anxiety attack which felt pretty real I came face to face with my anxiety.
During the attack I felt so burdened by my situation, I felt trapped by my circumstances and this feeling put in me in a physically tired state. Crying uncontrollably and feeling like there was no one I could talk to about the situation. In fact, I've never even told anyone the attack even happened. I woke up the next day, showered, did my hair, went to class, got work done - the usual. I felt horrible inside. I felt like everyone could tell I had just been bawling my eyes out the night before for no other reason than my mind taking over and scaring me.
I always knew I had anxiety. I'm very conscious of how I'm perceived in a room. I try to watch what I say before I talk, I censor these posts, I take things to heart. Which can be hard considering I'm an easy target amongst friends and family to crack jokes on. It's the way I walk, the way I dress, eat, smile, anything. There's always something that stands out that people must point out and make me feel lesser than about. And it's unfortunate because every move is calculated and I try to fit in so much. I don't want to seem sensitive and be privy to the line 'It's just a joke'. So I try to take it down several notches, fade into the background so no one will say anything and that's where the anxiety creeps in forcing me to think that even if no one's saying it, they're definitely thinking it .
I go through phases. Like the woman at the start of the song where I'm telling myself that everything is good. Because it is, right? I don't know. Anxiety is so engrained in my life that I'm not too sure I'm able to tell whether or not what's happening is happening or if I'm perceiving it to be something it's not.
Logic has anxiety and he says that everyone living with anxiety will persevere. And I'm here to say that that's true, but it is so hard.
I have anxiety, and now anyone whoever reads this knows that and that makes me nervous, but it's true. It's not me looking for empathy or anything. I don't even want to talk about this post after it's shared. So why share?
Well, I'd like to show that even the people who seem to have it all put together have demons of their own that they're battling and to let you know that you really need to listen to Logic's album 'Everybody'.
producer / writer / artist